A New Fuel Alternative?
As you know humanity is having some problems with overpopulation. We are using many natural energy sources like gasoline and coal. The problem is these things cost a lot of money to produce so we need a new alternative for energy.
Before America was a country it was common practice to use witches as burning fuel. Wiccans were plentiful then and steadily were gathered and used as fuel. The Bible even commands us to use them in this way since as you know Wiccans are God's gift:
Exodus 22:18
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
Deuteronomy 18:10-11
There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch. Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
You see! Wiccans are a gift from God Himself to solve our energy needs! We have ignored this energy source for many generations and now the Wiccans are everywhere. What is more shocking is that now that the Liberal Media has convinced everyone that these flammable bitches are 'people'. I say one thing:
How DARE you consider these WITCHES as PEOPLE! Wiccans are everywhere now and nearly every single one of them is obese since they are allowed free range to eat our precious children! Look at the graph:
Children are a Witches primary food source next to McDonalds! You see, children will be extinct by 2010! We can only hope now that Jesus comes back before then!
The Best Source
Wiccans are prime quality for burning. They are cheap and easy to get in bulk. They have a higher flash point and with the addition of being the fattest beings on Earth they provide all the blubber we need from everything from lamps to engine oil! Here is the raw data:
You see!? The more Wiccan someone is, the better fuel source they are. These Wiccans eat a LOT of children, but it's time to strike back!
Wiccans come fully cured too! They all like to bathe naked in baths in salts since they are idiots. No seriously they are idiots. What is the use of bathing in water with scented salts? Witches purposely pickle themselves as a way to worship Satan. All Wiccans worship Satan. All Wiccans are idiots. Did I mention all Wiccans are idiots, since they are all idiots.
| Wicca is a religious/spiritual movement mostly
joined by angry, jaded junior high students. Apparently remaining in
said religion causes vast amounts of weight gain as evidenced by
those who still belong to it after age 16. Almost entirely
synonymous with the
goth movement, wicca is vastly unorganized. Ask any two wiccans
to describe their "religion"
and the descriptions will have little to nothing in common. The bulk
of wiccans simply adopt the title but few, if any, of the religious
practices. They haphazardly throw the title around in hopes that
normal people will recognize them as social outcasts.
Typically, wiccans who remain focused enough in junior and high school to attend an institution of higher learning will study one of the arts in college (i.e. studio art, theater, graphic design). This is best explained by wiccans' inability to contribute to society in a meaningful way. Generally, wiccans aren't skilled at anything more than drawing pictures. The religion is so greatly unorganized that there is no "main" premise. There seems to be some sort of ecological freindly rhetoric, but it is not actually practiced in their actual life, giving rise to the observation; "Wiccans, all want to clean up the Earth, none want to clean up the living room" Jews & Christians have their messiah, Muslims have their holy prophet, Buddists have their Zen, and Wiccans have little more than a grudge against their parents and peers.
|
What are the Benefits?
You may be wondering though, how can witch be better than coal? Well it can do many other things that coal cant!
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Cooking!
A coal alternative!
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Shorter lines at McDonalds!
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More cat meat to sell to Chineez!
Cats!?!
You see, with more Wiccans gone there will be more cats left behind. Wiccans and cats go hand and hand. The more obese a Wiccan is the higher the ratio of cats she has. Here is the data:
Having a surplus of cats means we can sell them to the Chineez for meat. Chineez eat nothing but cat and dog anyways so everyone is happy!
So you see we can solve the Wiccan problem, the energy problem, sell all the extra cats to the Chineez and pay off the National Debt!